Cue Insecurity

I’m in the midst of rewriting a YA contemporary fantasy, and my inner editor is sabotaging the flow. I’ve got a rough outline to guide me through the structure of the story I’ve in mind, I have a Beginning, at least one major Turning Point and an End, so a few of the big building blocks are there. But still I’m creatively stuck. I’ve read/rewritten/read/rewritten some chapters so many times, that I’m bored with my own writing. Cue insecurity.

I should abandon this project.

I am never going to finish.

If I finish it is going to be Boring (yes capital B) and no one is going to read it.

 

Maybe this is the point where I should try to find some Beta readers. Cue insecurity.

 

I won’t find any.

I can’t possibly let anyone read this boring story.

If someone reads this, you are never going to finish.

 

Guess this writing thing means: continue writing. Even when your brain is in the way/ you are bored/ you feel insecure/ you want to abandon the Thing.

 

Send help.

Wallow. Yell. Exit.

One thing I love about writing stories is choosing TITLES, especially chapter titles, but today I’m very much annoyed.

Part of that has to do with a HUGE bill that arrived before the weekend, lack of sleep, and not being in the mood for the Day Job, but most of it is the result of title writer’s block. Not for the chapters but for the story.

The problem?

THEY ARE ALL TAKEN.

EVERY SINGLE ONE I CAME UP WITH ALREADY EXIST!

Wallows in self-pity. Yells at Internet Void. Exits blog.

Sitting, waiting, wishing (also known as: not writing)

I’m sitting here, at the dining room table, waiting for inspiration to strike me. Wishing I could muster up the willpower to plunge ahead in the world of words. Every writer has his own process, mine has much to do with this title.

Sit behind computer/notebook/phone, wait for inner editor to shut up (because she is yelling that this story is too complicated for me to put on paper), wishing writing felt more easy.

The thing is, I love to write. To lose myself in a story, surprise myself with strange twists and cunning characters, but I also find it the hardest thing to do. Maybe because I’m a perfectionist. Maybe because I’m lazy. Maybe because I’m scared the story won’t come out the way it’s intended. Maybe because all of the above. For me writing never gets easier, not really.

But since I’ve already typed over a hundred words, I might as well go ahead and write a new scene. My character is going to set something on fire and while she’s gathering highly flammable materials to set alight, she’s going to describe her favorite moment of all moments.

The second after striking a match.

writers in the mist

Sometimes I feel a story buzzing in my mind, chasing thoughts, filling dreams. The story clouded in mist, unwilling to settle form and reveal itself. And I, the writer, find myself grasping the unknown, hoping to find solid ground to stand on. Eyes wide open, ready to snap the idea between my hands.

In the meantime I just write about the swirling colors of the mist, the smell that reminds me of a long forgotten dinner, the sense of hope and doom. I write my way around the mist, into it, underneath it. I write to find the story hidden in it’s core.

I write because that’s what writers do.

 

No Clue

This writing thing is hard. Perfection mania lures around every corner, waiting to jump on the unsuspected writer (me) blinking in the same beat as the cursor on the white page. (crazy thing to do, and very tiring, I can tell you that).

I know from reading blogs, watching youtube, browsing twitter this is what writers go through. And in the last couple of years of me trying to become a (published) writer I’ve learned a couple of things about myself as well. Here goes:

  • I Hate what I write/love what I write/hate what I write. Continue until novel is finished.
  • I overthink everything. If you stare and ponder words long enough, they all sound wrong somehow. All of them.
  • I flinch at character charts because I don’t want to write about my characters, I just want to write them. Honestly I blackout when I write about them, because most of the time I don’t even know what they look like, until their comb gets stuck in their thick curls or they get sunburnt so bad, freckles are no longer visible. Sometimes they unknowingly change their names halfway through a story.
  • I am terrible at planning a story structure. I panic when I read things as: midpoint, where all is lost/nuggets of truth are discovered etcetera.
  • This does not mean my stories don’t have a structure of some sort.
  • The most funny one so far: I AM TERRIBLE. Why? Well considering the goal: become published, I need to put myself out there. I wrote over 5 novels and shelved them. Without querying. Because I think they aren’t good enough. I always think the next one will be better. (usually true).
  • I don’t have a linear brain, it goes back and forth, up and down.
  • I am a deadline addict. Without one I’m lost.

So considering the last line, I’m doing nano again. Spilling words on the page into a story that isn’t a story (yet), no editing. I am nowhere near the recommended daily word count but at least I’m giving myself permission to write awful descriptions, flat characters and hop from one scene to another. The best part of writing is when my brain subconsciously produces something on the paper. And I haven’t a clue how it got there.

(I am not even rereading this post whahahaha. Sorry. Yes I added that sorry on purpose just so I can count the words).

 

The End of Summer

Sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it? 🙂

I briefly hesitated between: ‘The End of Summer’ or ‘Summer is Dead/Gone/Stolen’ but settled on the first, because I like endings.

Why, you ask?

Endings mean new beginnings, and I like those even more!

Summer came, conquered my gloomy mood and was filled with nice drinks, gorgeous landscapes and lots of swimming with the kids.

If anyone is looking for a perfect European destination I’d highly recommend Slovenia! It has everything. Endless green forests, wild rocky rivers, creeks and waterfalls. Nice people, good food, driveable roads and beautiful cities.

For me September embodies going back to work, fitting myself and my kids into a manageable routine, and Autumn. Rainy days, candlelight, cosy movies, wholesome food, and of course Autumn writing, are among the things I love best.

I have a couple of things I want to focus on this September and thought if I proclaim it to the internet void, I probably feel more accountable, so without further ado, behold my September TO DO list. Fair warning: I talk to myself.

  • Work out, at least twice a week. (You are going to be thanking yourself next month, Irene. Just GO).
  • Start a new story! (Easy one. Already started).
  • Edit A PARADISE BELOW one more time. (One means one. Make it as query ready as you can).
  • Make an effort for at least one friend and one family member
  • Do something cool with partner
  • Use your bullet journal

Well, that’s it. And because I like lists, here are some Currently-s:

Currently Reading:

The boy on the bridge

 

Currently Listening:

Hilarious World of Depression

Hidden Brain

 

Currently Writing

A story about stealing the North Sea in jars

 

Currently (over) Editing

A Paradise Below

 

Anyone else has plans for this month?

Ciao!

Hello PitchWars

Here I come!

I was procrastinating my way out of rewriting the middle of my story when a writer friend mentioned Pitchwars. I’d seen this  swoosh by on twitter before but wasn’t sure exactly what it was.

Since I was procrastinating already it seemed like a very good idea to do some research on this phenomenon. And it sounds awesome, because Pitch wars might:

Find you a mentor who can help you make your story better than before.

Might even land you an agent.

You can make new writer friends!

But most important for me: IT HAS A SOLID DEADLINE

I like deadlines. I am an idiot. But now I am an idiot with a deadline. That’s way better 🙂

Bye!

*Rushes off to get Draft That Must not be Named ready for the end of August*